Stuff My Sisters Will Like

To Jenny, Katie and Laura, From Their Brother, Victor

Profiling Carmen Sandiego April 30, 2013

Filed under: Funny,Neat,Religion,Silly Studies,Stuff,TV — Fr. Victor Feltes @ 8:00 am

There are conflicting reports regarding the world’s greatest criminal mastermind but this much is known:

Carmen Sandiego was a brilliant agent for the ACME Detective Agency based in San Francisco. Then, in a surprising turn, she severed her connections with ACME and established VILE, the Villains’ International League of Evil. Her organized crime ring has been responsible for headline-making thefts all around the world. Oftentimes, while ACME’s “Chief” and agents are preoccupied pursuing her gang’s minor henchmen, Sandiego herself pulls off a greater and more monumental heist wearing her characteristic red trench coat and matching fedora.

Those familiar with Sandiego’s exploits describe her in this way:

Well she sneaks around the world from Kiev to Carolina,
She’s a sticky-fingered filcher from Berlin down to Belize,
She’ll take you for a ride on a slow boat to China,
Tell me where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Steal their Seoul in South Korea, make Antarctica cry Uncle,
From the Red Sea to Greenland they’ll be singing the blues,
Well they never Arkansas her steal the Mekong from the jungle,
Tell me where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

She go from Nashville to Norway, Bonaire to Zimbabwe, Chicago to Czechoslovakia and back!

Well she’ll ransack Pakistan and run a scam in Scandinavia,
Then she’ll stick ’em up Down Under and go pick-pocket Perth,
She put the Miss in misdemeanor when she stole the beans from Lima,
Tell me where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
Oh tell me where in the world is… Oh tell me where can she be?

Ooh, Botswana to Thailand, Milan via Amsterdam, Mali to Bali, Ohio, Oahu…!

Well she glides around the globe and she’ll flim-flam every nation,
She’s a double-dealing diva with a taste for thievery,
Her itinerary’s loaded up with moving violations,
Tell me where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Time and again, she has proven herself to be an incredibly elusive criminal. She remains at large in the world, location unknown.

The science and art of criminal profiling may yield some insights into how to live in a world with Carmen Sandiego. Like more than half of those convicted of the most serious of crimes, Sandiego appears to be a sociopath with antisocial personality disorder. How can one deal with a sociopath like her? Because these individuals seek to exploit others, one solution is to have nothing attractive to offer them—or in this case, to possess nothing remarkable enough for her to steal. Thus, the modest sum of money in your bank account is probably safer than the billions belonging to the richest person in the world (unless, of course, Carmen Sandiego decides to steal all the money in the world.)

Perhaps we should address the possibility that what we are dealing with here is a criminal entity of an entirely higher order. Consider some of the things that Carmen Sandiego has allegedly stolen:

  • The Headwaters of the Amazon River
  • The City of Casablanca, Morocco
  • The Mountain K2
  • Every Anchovy from the Black Sea
  • The Steps to the Tango

Who could ever be intelligent enough, powerful enough, and nefarious enough to steal things such as these? Perhaps our answer is hidden in plain sight:

Carmen = “Garden”

San (from Santo) = “Saint” or “Holy”

Diego = “He Who Supplants”

Who is He Who Supplanted (superseded by treachery) Saints in the Holy Garden? Who is the betrayer from the side of good to evil who is who is utterly untraceable and yet has minions doing his wicked bidding all around the world? I shall leave it to you to decide for yourself who Carmen Sandiego really is and what she would really like to steal from you most; but, in conclusion, I advise you to never make any deals with this woman and, as always, “watch your back.”

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